This Is Not Like Home

It's 2:30 am, and I am still awake. And all I want right now is to be back in Sweden with my friends.

Blame it on the nostalgic music I have on (Great Lake Swimmers), blame it on the time of night. But I find myself longing for the snowy streets of a dark and dismal Växjö winter day. The stores, the people, the weather. Knowing that I'll soon be back in Vallgatan with my friends deciding what to eat for dinner and what film to watch afterwords. Dreading the bike ride through the snow and mush to class in the morning. Anticipating the taste of ice cream with nutella.

I miss the girls. I miss the guys. Too many to name, and yet I truly miss them all.

This is the first string of homesickness I've ever felt, and it was only my home for a few months.

I miss it so much it hurts. I miss you so much it hurts.

I hope this passes soon.

Infinity

Steven Chbosky’s fictional character Charlie once famously said “I feel infinite.” Was there ever a more appropriate ekphrasis of the highest points of the human condition? When everything in your life lines up perfectly, if even just for a few seconds. When, for just a moment, your life feels like a scene out of your favorite movie. When life makes sense, and the holes in your heart don’t matter anymore.

I’ve had a few of those moments. Spending the summer of 2006, the last few months before college started, crusing around with Danny. Blue slushies from Circle K, powdered doughnuts, and Taco Bell. October Fall and Family Force Five. Pumpkinhead, Ghoulies II, Underworld Evolution, The Crow. Driving out in the cooling summer dusk to pick Danny up from his job at the concession stand at the Legacy Park neighborhood pool. Pushing the car out of the driveway at 1am as to not wake up my parents. Driving and talking. Feeling infinite.

Driving all over Colorado on a 5-day road trip with David Carr in the summer of 2008. Windows down, listening to music, deciding whether to set up the tent or just sleep in his truck. Four days without a shower. The cute waitress in the town where we got his car fixed. High on life. Feeling infinite.

Biking around Vaxjo in the snowy evenings of January, listening to The Album Leaf. Walking in to town accompanied by The Great Lake Swimmers’ “This Is Not Like Home” in my headphones. Getting home at 5pm as the sun was setting.

Afternoon fika with Carolina down by the lake. The lake, finally thawed, glistened in the sun, too bright to look at. Pastel coffee cups in hand, sitting on a bench that we did not move from for two hours Taking in the sunlight and each other’s company. God; saving the world; our favorite music. Listening to I-Empire. Picking her the one of the first flowers of the year. After scolding me for picking the only flower, she happily put it behind her ear. We took a picture, right there, on the little red bridge.

I felt infinite.

SIGNS

The best short film I've seen in ages. Truly Beautiful.

http://www.wimp.com/truelove/

You'll love it.

The Things I Can't Say

Seasons (3/20)

I want to lean in for a kiss
banish Winter's chill from your lips
as the Springtime sun lights your eyes
we become one for the very first time
and stay there in eternal Summer
holding your hand in mine
where Autumn never comes for lovers



Untitled (4/10)

Outside I sit on a blanket of grass
the very place where we spent our last
moments alone before you passed
all alone over an ocean of glass
to a land still caught in Winter's grasp
and all I want is for you to come back
and spend one more afternoon with me



thoughts on the process of making a mix tape (4/11)

Did you know that when I make a mix tape for that new girl
I still think of you?
Staying up late to get the order just right, every word of
every song has a meaning.
Each note picked just for
you.
I spell out my love vicariously, and with you I found my voice.

Thoughts on a Quiet Morning

A Summary of No Consequence

I woke up this morning to a light so bright I couldn't open my eyes.



After an over-indulgent shower I made a vegetarian breakfast omelette, quite filling. Read some of C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce. Now I'm in the deserted common room, thinking of what to do. Considering I have another week without class, I've got to come up with something. We're supposed to be working on our final project, a short documentary; as my group did the principle photography yesterday, there's very little to do until we get access to the editing room.

Our subject is the Poetry Slam that took place at Cafe Tufans yesterday afternoon. After filming the slam (the three of us all filmed different poets-hopefully our visual styles will retain some individuality when they are cut together!) we are going to do some short interviews with the poets. We want to capture the sights, sounds, and feelings of the Växjö art scene. Let's hope it turns out the way we want!

Want

11:11. Oh boy.....so much for wishes.

The Rainy City

Here on the other side of the world
we get lost on rainy days
We find home in each new city
The streets become our maze
and I always look for you at the end
and you always avert your gaze
and I keep moving on

Wearing the same clothes every day
got a crumpled map stowed away
And every night we dance under the lights
and hope we can find our way
back to where it all began.

Soggy boots on cobbled stone
The sun's the brightest it's ever been
but when it sets we're unsure
if we'll ever be together again
so for what it's worth, we make it last
and when it comes to an end
We'll know that it was everything we needed

(Chorus)

Even if we have nothing to do
I'd love doing nothing with you

Promenade

Berlin. What an amazing city. Filled with history, culture, and art, Berlin may be the most amazing city I have ever been to. This past week, Sara, Nicole and I, as well as The Spanish and Jorge the lone Mexican spent 5 days there.
Our World Is Grey
We went to two nightclubs as well as a smoky jazz club fashioned out of an old church (were I was able to do some improve playing). We spent a whole day walking around the Eastern section of the city center, attempting to take it all in. There is such a history and gravity to this place. Old cathedrals and government buildings riddled with patched up bullet holes and reconstructed frames. Memorials to the fallen soldiers of WWII, the Jews that perished in the Holocaust, the Communist solders that died, the brave souls that died attempting to cross from East to West Berlin. More even than that.

Glass And The Ghost Children
Berlin also has an underground movement that greatly appealed to me. Art, music, and fashion collide in the seedy galleries of East Berlin. Rastafarian street painters and anarchist poets. Spray-paint revolutionaries and feminist expressionists. The lure of the avant garde. Coupled with the seemingly never-ending nightlife, Berlin seems to me a melting pot of youth from every ethnic and ideological background. I could easily be talked in to living there for a few months....

Through art, history, and cheap alcohol, this trip introduced me to many new friends and allowed me to grow closer with old ones. I will never forget my time there, and I can only hope to return someday in the future.

I've Been Everywhere, Man, I've Been Everywhere

I've been to so many places.

Gothenburg

Gothenburg has the appeal of a big city while mixing it with an old-world charm. It's an old seafaring citiy on the western coast. Lots of grand statues as well as nice malls and restaurants. Me and the girls and Ben spent the day there walking around and taking pictures with the statues and looking at old buildings.


Kalmar

I spent Valentine's Day in Kalmar with the girls. Located on the far eastern coast of Sweden, Kalmer is a very old town, as small if not smaller than Växjö. Lots of very old buildings, including a castle! Of course the castle was closed when we were there, which was really dissapointing, because we arranged the trip around the assumption that the castle would be open (it's a long story). So we wound up with a couple of hours to kill so we walked until it was just too cold and we held up in a pub until or train came. A pretty good day.

Distraction

Process

Writing a paper on Scandinavian film is a complex process. Here's a step by step guide to help guide you through.

1. Write a paragraph.
2. Make a snack.
3. Go downstairs, watch the girls play Super Nintendo.
4. Come back upstairs.
5. Get a glass of water.
6. Check facebook.
7. Check blog. If bored enough, write a blog.
8. Start over.

As you can imagine, it's slow going....

Circuits of Fever


-5 today, Celsius. Snow falling. Footprints on a frozen lake. Ice fishers sit on icy stools and wait for bites. Children skate the ice behind our building in the mornings: slipping, gliding, not even 3 feet tall.

Spanish dinner tonight. Paella and Spanish omelets. Spaniards love to cook, and we have 4 on the floor. Lucky me.

All The Small Things

So I woke up this morning to one of the best surprises I've ever had. A video posted on my facebook wall proclaimed the impossible : Blink-182 are back together.

This is the band that basically sum up my entire teenage experience. Their lyrics and music always seemed to fit in perfectly with what I was feeling at any given moment. Their radio-friendly (some would say "commercialized", but they would be wrong) brand of pop-punk was the soundtrack to my generation. My connection to their lyrics is hard t express in words, but suffice to say that much of who I am today comes from the steady diet of Mark and Tom's lyrics I digested when I was younger. Love, lust, anger, frustration, angst, and good times with friends, their music had it all. Teenage therapy in audio form. They effectively broke up in 2004, right as I had just started to understand (and obsess over) their music, but drummer Travis Barker's recent brush with death has brought them back together, both as friends and as musicians.

While I love Tom's newest band, the epic Angles and Airwaves, and I hope that they will continue to put out great records, I am utterly elated that Blink-182 are a band again. I will pay however much I have to to see them live, since I never got to do that while they were together.

Essential Songs : Dammit, The Rock Show, Story of a Lonely Guy, Adam's Song, All The Small Things, What Went Wrong

Made For Each Other

Over The Pond

I am convinced that some things in life are made for each other.

I have already been quoted as making that statement referring to Salinger, The Album Leaf, and dimly lit European apartments, and I meant that. I could simplify that even more to just The Album Leaf and Europe. Something just clicks here. I was thinking about this as I was pedaling around the back streets of Växjö today (tonight?). Their music seemed to fit so well with the Victorian style buildings, the cobblestone pathways, and old houses covered with vines a la Madeline.



I stopped beside of the old church that towers over the rest of the city. One of the great iron doors was open, so I slipped inside only to find the sanctuary was full. On the stage, the youth orchestra was performing assorted classics. I stayed long enough to catch the last 3 songs, much to my delight. The violins swirled as the violas and cellos bubbled underneath, with the conductor stirred the brew like a medieval witch. A beautiful and powerful spectacle. The 20-something girl I sat with in the very back row cried at one point.

By the time I left it was completely dark, and all the street lamps were lit, bathing me in a yellow glow as I biked back to my apartment.

The Last Man On Earth

At midnight, I sit in the common room, alone. Almost the whole floor is empty (trips, club) and I’m entertaining myself with old Vincent Price movies and Smashing Pumpkins music videos. A dinner of green beans, toast, and half a can of ravioli. I don’t expect anyone home for a few hours. I’m completely isolated, and I don’t mind.

Fear

Walking across frozen lake at night.

Quiet

Peppers and Pepperoni

Tonight the highest place in Vaxjo is essentially empty. Took the night off from the club. The older exchange students left for their ski trip tonight. Sarah is in her room sick and Wade is with his Buddy. So I walked in to town and got a take out pizza, which, due to a miscommunication (yet again ;-) ) ended up having both pepperoni and peppers. Ended up being pretty good. Ate it while reading a book.

Without all the exchange students from last semester, there’s only going to be four of us this week. Classes don’t start till Tuesday or Wednsday, and the student pubs/clubs/discos are closed Sunday and Monday nights, so we’ll have to come up with something to do.

Like organizing our cleaning schedule. Or buying groceries. Our printing out pictures for our common room walls. Or maybe having a nice dinner. We’ll see.

Journeys

“Here we go, life’s waiting to begin”

In Flight

I left. Behind me, Atlanta stood in flames. After roughly 6 hours of darkness, the red glow of day appeared on the horizon. I’d never seen the sun come up over the clouds. There was no clear sunrise, no oversized star creeping over the edge of the world. The sky just gets brighter. “My eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.” Beautiful.

I wanted to see the ocean.

I never did.

By Train

Sweden looks like the Midwest. Amber waves of grain, evergreens, and farmhouses. A lone horse. Lost of lakes. Except all the lakes in Sweden are frozen over.

My lunch consists of bottled water and an overpriced Panini. My stomach still feels funny. I probably just need more sleep.

The sun goes down around 3:30. By 5, it is nighttime.

Revelation of the Day : “I was raised a Chrsitian. But I have not found the Church structure to be something I feel comfortable with, so it’s a personal relationship.”
-Billy Corgan

As if you needed one more reason to make him your idol.

Vallgatan

My home for the next 6 months is a dorm near the center of town called Vallgatan. My room is fairly Spartan. There is a bed with no linens or pillows. A table, 2 chairs, and a bookshelf. I have a private bathroom, which is nice.

Ate pizza with my new friend Sarah, who is another exchange student from America. We stumbled in to the pizzeria only to find all of the ingredients and recipes in Swedish. Ordering was an adventure in and of itself.

Now it’s 8:10 pm.

And I’m tired. The past two days have felt more like one long marathon in which I took a 5 hour nap. I have been going non stop for almost 48 hours, and it’s time to sleep.

I hope I can get some power adapters tomorrow. Because everything I own with a battery is dying.