This Is Not Like Home

It's 2:30 am, and I am still awake. And all I want right now is to be back in Sweden with my friends.

Blame it on the nostalgic music I have on (Great Lake Swimmers), blame it on the time of night. But I find myself longing for the snowy streets of a dark and dismal Växjö winter day. The stores, the people, the weather. Knowing that I'll soon be back in Vallgatan with my friends deciding what to eat for dinner and what film to watch afterwords. Dreading the bike ride through the snow and mush to class in the morning. Anticipating the taste of ice cream with nutella.

I miss the girls. I miss the guys. Too many to name, and yet I truly miss them all.

This is the first string of homesickness I've ever felt, and it was only my home for a few months.

I miss it so much it hurts. I miss you so much it hurts.

I hope this passes soon.

Infinity

Steven Chbosky’s fictional character Charlie once famously said “I feel infinite.” Was there ever a more appropriate ekphrasis of the highest points of the human condition? When everything in your life lines up perfectly, if even just for a few seconds. When, for just a moment, your life feels like a scene out of your favorite movie. When life makes sense, and the holes in your heart don’t matter anymore.

I’ve had a few of those moments. Spending the summer of 2006, the last few months before college started, crusing around with Danny. Blue slushies from Circle K, powdered doughnuts, and Taco Bell. October Fall and Family Force Five. Pumpkinhead, Ghoulies II, Underworld Evolution, The Crow. Driving out in the cooling summer dusk to pick Danny up from his job at the concession stand at the Legacy Park neighborhood pool. Pushing the car out of the driveway at 1am as to not wake up my parents. Driving and talking. Feeling infinite.

Driving all over Colorado on a 5-day road trip with David Carr in the summer of 2008. Windows down, listening to music, deciding whether to set up the tent or just sleep in his truck. Four days without a shower. The cute waitress in the town where we got his car fixed. High on life. Feeling infinite.

Biking around Vaxjo in the snowy evenings of January, listening to The Album Leaf. Walking in to town accompanied by The Great Lake Swimmers’ “This Is Not Like Home” in my headphones. Getting home at 5pm as the sun was setting.

Afternoon fika with Carolina down by the lake. The lake, finally thawed, glistened in the sun, too bright to look at. Pastel coffee cups in hand, sitting on a bench that we did not move from for two hours Taking in the sunlight and each other’s company. God; saving the world; our favorite music. Listening to I-Empire. Picking her the one of the first flowers of the year. After scolding me for picking the only flower, she happily put it behind her ear. We took a picture, right there, on the little red bridge.

I felt infinite.

SIGNS

The best short film I've seen in ages. Truly Beautiful.

http://www.wimp.com/truelove/

You'll love it.

The Things I Can't Say

Seasons (3/20)

I want to lean in for a kiss
banish Winter's chill from your lips
as the Springtime sun lights your eyes
we become one for the very first time
and stay there in eternal Summer
holding your hand in mine
where Autumn never comes for lovers



Untitled (4/10)

Outside I sit on a blanket of grass
the very place where we spent our last
moments alone before you passed
all alone over an ocean of glass
to a land still caught in Winter's grasp
and all I want is for you to come back
and spend one more afternoon with me



thoughts on the process of making a mix tape (4/11)

Did you know that when I make a mix tape for that new girl
I still think of you?
Staying up late to get the order just right, every word of
every song has a meaning.
Each note picked just for
you.
I spell out my love vicariously, and with you I found my voice.

Thoughts on a Quiet Morning

A Summary of No Consequence

I woke up this morning to a light so bright I couldn't open my eyes.



After an over-indulgent shower I made a vegetarian breakfast omelette, quite filling. Read some of C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce. Now I'm in the deserted common room, thinking of what to do. Considering I have another week without class, I've got to come up with something. We're supposed to be working on our final project, a short documentary; as my group did the principle photography yesterday, there's very little to do until we get access to the editing room.

Our subject is the Poetry Slam that took place at Cafe Tufans yesterday afternoon. After filming the slam (the three of us all filmed different poets-hopefully our visual styles will retain some individuality when they are cut together!) we are going to do some short interviews with the poets. We want to capture the sights, sounds, and feelings of the Växjö art scene. Let's hope it turns out the way we want!

Want

11:11. Oh boy.....so much for wishes.

The Rainy City

Here on the other side of the world
we get lost on rainy days
We find home in each new city
The streets become our maze
and I always look for you at the end
and you always avert your gaze
and I keep moving on

Wearing the same clothes every day
got a crumpled map stowed away
And every night we dance under the lights
and hope we can find our way
back to where it all began.

Soggy boots on cobbled stone
The sun's the brightest it's ever been
but when it sets we're unsure
if we'll ever be together again
so for what it's worth, we make it last
and when it comes to an end
We'll know that it was everything we needed

(Chorus)

Even if we have nothing to do
I'd love doing nothing with you

Promenade

Berlin. What an amazing city. Filled with history, culture, and art, Berlin may be the most amazing city I have ever been to. This past week, Sara, Nicole and I, as well as The Spanish and Jorge the lone Mexican spent 5 days there.
Our World Is Grey
We went to two nightclubs as well as a smoky jazz club fashioned out of an old church (were I was able to do some improve playing). We spent a whole day walking around the Eastern section of the city center, attempting to take it all in. There is such a history and gravity to this place. Old cathedrals and government buildings riddled with patched up bullet holes and reconstructed frames. Memorials to the fallen soldiers of WWII, the Jews that perished in the Holocaust, the Communist solders that died, the brave souls that died attempting to cross from East to West Berlin. More even than that.

Glass And The Ghost Children
Berlin also has an underground movement that greatly appealed to me. Art, music, and fashion collide in the seedy galleries of East Berlin. Rastafarian street painters and anarchist poets. Spray-paint revolutionaries and feminist expressionists. The lure of the avant garde. Coupled with the seemingly never-ending nightlife, Berlin seems to me a melting pot of youth from every ethnic and ideological background. I could easily be talked in to living there for a few months....

Through art, history, and cheap alcohol, this trip introduced me to many new friends and allowed me to grow closer with old ones. I will never forget my time there, and I can only hope to return someday in the future.